Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
