I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
