I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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