you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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