the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
