My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
