When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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