Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
