just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
