I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
