Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
