I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
