this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
