Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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