I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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