Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
