He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
