i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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