I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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