eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He keeps bees of course he's weird
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