there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
