Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
