Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
