please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
