If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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