I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
