sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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