apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
