he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
this hospital has no fireball
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
