I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
