Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
