my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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