It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
