I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
