Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
