I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
