I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
