one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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