I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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