I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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