my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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