I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
