I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
only you would photoshop your dick
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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