Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
