When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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