Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
