I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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