he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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