I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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