Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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