I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
