Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
