She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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