Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
