Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
