This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
