the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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