It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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